i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
