A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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