i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
