My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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