my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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