I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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