I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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