In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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