Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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