I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
