I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
