May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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