Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
