So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
