Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
