Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
