Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
