Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
