Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
