I wish my penis had an off switch
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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