and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
