I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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