I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
