Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
