I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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