I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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