Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize