I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
