Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
