Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
