my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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