i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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