I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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