her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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