That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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