Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
