apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
