dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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