So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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