I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
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I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
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Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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