trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
