Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When are your genitals available?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
