i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
