We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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