I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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