Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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