This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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