just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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