you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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