I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
