Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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