My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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