my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
