I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
