My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
