I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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